I reach this point where I find myself tonight, it is a weird place to be though it is a point in the journey that I'm on. I suppose that if my life is a line that goes all over, tonight is a big dot found on that line with many others that explain the Essence of my life. Very much sufficient in many ways, as I am confronted by many truths wrapped neatly into one, marriage is the death of much that once drew breathe inside me. It is not all a crap shoot or depressing, things of the past such as immaturity are to say good bye too, though what falls into this category would be up for debate. One day sooner than later there is hope in my heart that a laugh would come from my pondering of this topic what was looked back upon and saw.
There is a list of things I review and wonder why my life experiences don't count in the eyes of another. Maybe some just need to fall, fail, try, and succeed on their own before they would listen in agreement or count as valve the things which are to be imparted. Maybe through a lack of trust, makes life lesson not excepted from the one willing to teach. So much has changed in my life, it used to really grid my axe or rather steal my goat when people would not be so much as have an open eye and hear to what is offered as truth, experience, education from the harshest of teachers. I find the last statement true.
There are a couple of lessons that are learned at this point that stare me down. First my skills at explaining need work, second my ability to communicate in an understandable way are within the 50 percent range, (they feel more of which seems 20 to 80 with the 80 being a rate of fail) Third the breakdown in ability to seek after with my whole heart, is replaced with bitterness. Maybe that is not the correct way of stating the feeling that is here now, the feeling is a fear that paralyzes so much inside me which brings me to silence. Inside this prison of my mind I just suffer more over then fight or speak, it is this thing where rather then a fight or a harm with words its better to be quiet. This is applied to everything in everyplace at every time as of late. A rut is created in place of a relationship or a life well lived. Maybe all of this is said because silence is better than a fight, or a conversation on pins and needles.
Faith comes in and hope rises, it is comfortable and conforming to know that this God we love and is forgotten so much, breaks through silences and forces us to deal. All of this to say that everything in my life comes to this point, is this "a me problem", " a we problem" , or "another person problem". The truth is that one of the three parties listed above is at the heart of most of not all problems that are faced. The harsh truth with life is that you are at the center of the problems that you have, to compound what troubles seek you out is the poor choices that we make to handle them.
How surprising that it takes so many words to figure out that social and personal ineptitude in conflict resolution is at the root of so many problems we face as persons.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Monday, October 24, 2011
Grace
There is a mystery found in this. How crazy to think of such a small word that has changed the course of my world. I have always thought about grace as getting something we don't deserve. When i do something stupid or am careless with my words, others in my little circles are quick to show grace most of all my wife. I would like to convey some truth based on what I'm reading and interject into this thought. Tonight I find myself in john 5 though there is no world changing thoughts i do always find it quick to see that Jesus was willing to feed so many that came to listen to him. With that a small boy was willing to give of his lunch for so many others, and a large lack of faith in Andrew, maybe there is grace for those who where hungry or those who faith is small. I'm glad that when turning to God there is grace of every moment of life, small and big struggles or just when there are questions without answers and silence in prayers. I will be thankful for Grace even if at times i completely forget its there.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
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